never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
