I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
