I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
