he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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