So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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