Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
