Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Randomize
