just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
