Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
