Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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