I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
