i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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