U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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