your parents love me but you hate me
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
