you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
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