Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
50% drunk capacity currently
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
