guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize