im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
