just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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