why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I AM VODKA MAN
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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