I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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