i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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