dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
