I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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