Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
