Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
