My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i just sent this text using only my big toe
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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