hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
