just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
