I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
