you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize