Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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