im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
