he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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