my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
