so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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