If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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