I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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