There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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