I don't usually arrange sex via text message
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
