look no pants
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Drunk is a universal language darling
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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