It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
