I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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