she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
