im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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