3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
