I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
