i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
