Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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