i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
