at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
