also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
