Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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