I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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