I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Come see our sink grown plant.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize