We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
