Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
