I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
