Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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