from now on my penis is your penis
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
