Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
