and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
