I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
