i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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