I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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