I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
