I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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