I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize