you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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