dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
