Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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