Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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