Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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