when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
