my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
oh god the rape fog is back!
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
