I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
He told me they were just razor bumps!
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
